There is a quote that has lived on our refrigerator for the last several years.  I don’t put a lot of things up on my fridge.  I usually reserve the space for Bible verses I am working on memorizing, or quotes, or poems that give me joy or encouragement.  This specific quote I used as a prayer to the Lord.  At least once a day, I would take a moment, gaze at it, and lift it up as an offering to Him.  The quote reads:

“Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie, but the tie that binds me to thyself.”

-David Livingstone, Missionary to Africa

Day after day, for probably a year, I prayed this prayer as I poured cereal into tiny bowls, wiped little hands, hastily stuffed too many dirty dishes into our dishwasher hoping for it to perform some sort of miracle.  Day after day, I offered myself up to the Lord.  I offered Him my husband, my children, my home. I offered Him all that I loved and hold dear.  What were His plans for us?   What did He desire to do in and through me?  I didn’t know, but I wanted to be ready for whatever grand plans He had for me.

Today I celebrated the one-year birthday, and simultaneously mourned the death of our sixth child, Ruth.

You see, when I prayed that prayer, carelessly scribbled onto a yellow post-it note, part of me was offering to go anywhere for the Lord, forgetting that the places He may desire to take me are darker and deeper than any place the light touches.  When I prayed that prayer welcoming the Lord’s burdens, I thought I would be doing some sort of exciting ministry work, maybe with women who were broken and hurting and desperate for Him, I didn’t realize that woman would be me.  When I prayed that the Lord would sever any tie, I thought I was offering the Lord my pride, my possessions, my relationships, I didn’t realize that one of those ties would be the literal cord that brought my child life within my womb.

I didn’t realize that when the Lord asked me to pick up my cross and follow Him, that that cross would have splinters, that cross would leave me battered and broken and bruised.

And yet…

And yet…

Don’t you love the word “yet”? 

Such hope and joy can be found in that simple three-letter word. 

And yet, I meant it when I said I wanted to go with Him, to carry the burdens He deemed it was good for me to carry, to be severed and broken for Him. 

I still do. 

Do I feel broken?  You bet.   Do I feel sad?  Sometimes painfully so. 

Do I regret this prayer? 

Absolutely not.

Because when the Lord took me to places I never wanted to go, He went with me.

When the Lord laid burdens upon me that seemed too heavy to carry, He sustained me.

When the Lord severed ties that caused unbelievable, searing pain, He never, never, severed the tie that bound me to Him. 

In fact, I would daresay that that cord has grown stronger than I ever imagined it could.  It is shorter, tethering me closer and closer to His side.  And this, this place, is right where I have always wanted to be.

I need Him.  I need Him like the air that I breathe.  And I don’t ever want to leave this place.

So Lord, I say it again:

Send me anywhere, only go with me.

Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.

Sever any tie, but the tie that binds me to thyself.

Won’t you say it with me?

And my little Ruthie?  Today she celebrated with a thousand angels, her Meme and Pa, and most importantly, my Savior. How could I have ever matched that first birthday?